Miscarriage

It is one of the most painful (emotionally and physically), annoying, and depressing things. 

I have thought about what words I want to say about this topic. I'm so glad women are able to talk about it and show that we are not alone in our experiences. 

This is my second one this year. I never tested for pregnancy either time (it's a compromise for us to wait for the second missed period), but when your cycles are regular and then are 2-3 weeks late and you have awful cramps and heavy bleeding, I didn't need a test to know what I was losing. 

And it's hard. 

It's hard to know that you aren't having another baby, when you are beginning to desperately want another. 

It's hard to feel like you're broken, and there's nothing you can do about it. 

It's hard when you feel like it's the most important thing you could want. What could be more important than raising kids? Why am I not getting that blessing?

Through this experience, yes I've learned it's hard. I've also learned:

-The Lord loves me. 

-He knows what I'm experiencing, both emotionally and physically. 

-Our bodies are the most miraculous things. 

-Family is the most important thing. 

-I can do hard things. 

-The Lord knows best, and I need to trust his timing. 

-There is hope. 

It's amazing that a woman's body can assess a pregnancy and determine if it's viable. I don't know at what point spirits enter the body, nor do I know whether I will ever raise the babies I've lost at just a few weeks in utero, but I know God is in charge, and I'll trust Him.   

You never know how strong you are, until you are pushed to the limit. 

I know that one day I'll have more children, because the Lord has promised me that I will. He never breaks a promise. 

Miscarriage is hard and depressing, but when my rainbow baby comes, I will be so much happier for the struggle I went through. 

My God

My God is very mindful 

Of the person that I am. 

He's pushing me to do 

The very best that I can. 

Sometimes this life is harder

Than I ever thought it'd be. 

But my God, who watches over,

Blesses and cares for me. 

I don't always get the answers 

That I ask for when I pray

But God knows what I need

Before I even say. 

And when I come to Him in tears

He holds me in his arms

And tells me that He loves me so 

And makes me feel so warm. 

I know that he is watching. 

I know he feels my pain. 

But even through the sorrow 

There is so much I gain. 

Patience in my trials 

Courage to stand tall

Love to give to others 

My God is Lord of All.

------

That's the poem I wrote this morning. 

I've been really struggling lately.

We have been not preventing and waiting and trying for baby #2 since little E was 9 months old. 

Our story isn't as bad as other stories, but it's amazing how devastated one feels when you once again start a period. I don't know at what point it's considered secondary infertility, but I feel like that's the group I fit in right now. I wanted to be done having kids by 30 years old. I wanted 3 or 4. I'll never make it to that plan now. I'm almost 28 and I only have one. She is an adorable, wonderful, amazing, and very helpful girl, and I wouldn't change or trade her for the world, but I can honestly say now that I want another. 

I'm going to get honest. 

I am pretty sure I miscarried in March of this year. I was 2 weeks late, and had the worst cramps that almost rivaled contractions and had a long, heavy period. I won't know for sure, because I never took a test. (J seems to think that's what makes one sick during pregnancy. So our compromise is 2 missed periods before we test. (Or I think until I feel sick all the time. XD))

The hardest thing is being weeks late, waiting to take a test, and bleeding before you have the chance, knowing that if you were pregnant, you're not now. 

My story isn't as bad as those who wait through years and years of trying, but it still hurts EVERY TIME. But I know that God is mindful of us. Our sorrows are His sorrows. He knows what is best for us, and I'm trying to learn the patience that he is trying to teach me. I have the hope in his promise to me that I will bear more children. 

My God never lies. I trust Him, and I trust in His promises. One day, I know I will have more children. I am so glad He knows what each of us needs better than we do, and for that, I will be forever grateful. I just have to have faith and rely on His timing.