And sometimes it's not.
I'm sure all of my posts about having infertility issues have seemed probably more positive than most people would sound when they're dealing with health issues that cause them to not get one of the few things they want.
And overall, I usually am fine. I don't spend days crying. I don't wonder why this is happening to me every day. I don't even think about it sometimes, because I know this is a trial I need to go through and I'm just busy trying to learn what I need to learn.
Most of the time I can deal with it.
But sometimes, I get sucker-punched by a picture or a comment and all the emotions hit at one time. It's not pretty. It's not fun. But it's real. And it's what I, and many other people deal with.
I wonder what it will take to get pregnant. I wonder if I ever will get pregnant again.
It hurts, but sometimes it's okay to not be okay. And that's where I am. Sometimes I'm okay. Sometimes I'm not okay.
And that's okay.
Monday, July 10, 2017
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Infertility: An Update
I know I have people who are interested in staying updated with this journey I'm going on. I'm sure there are others who don't care. I want to document what's going on because infertility is not talked about enough.
We went to a consultation with the specialist about 3 or 4 weeks ago. We are in diagnostic phase, which means up till now we've really not done any treatment.
I had blood work done the end of June to check my hormone levels at the start of my cycle. They came back normal, so that's good news. It was a process getting the blood though. I was poked 4 times before they sent me to a lab. Darn my horrible veins. I'm still a little bruised on my left arm.
The next step was to get a Saline Infusion Sonohysterography to see if there were any issues with my uterine wall or Fallopian tubes.
I definitely have PCOS. My ovaries are enlarged, and I have a lot of cysts from follicles that have tried to ovulate and been unsuccessful. Besides that, everything else was normal.
So, we'll have to wait and see what happens next. I get more blood work done next week as well as another ultrasound to check "mid cycle" stuff. (With 5 - 6 week cycles, mid cycle is kind of hard to pinpoint.
Infertility is a lot of just waiting. It's difficult and not fun at all. Hopefully something will come from it, though. Now to just try and lose at least some of the weight that PCOS has brought on.
Happy Independence Day!
We went to a consultation with the specialist about 3 or 4 weeks ago. We are in diagnostic phase, which means up till now we've really not done any treatment.
I had blood work done the end of June to check my hormone levels at the start of my cycle. They came back normal, so that's good news. It was a process getting the blood though. I was poked 4 times before they sent me to a lab. Darn my horrible veins. I'm still a little bruised on my left arm.
The next step was to get a Saline Infusion Sonohysterography to see if there were any issues with my uterine wall or Fallopian tubes.
I definitely have PCOS. My ovaries are enlarged, and I have a lot of cysts from follicles that have tried to ovulate and been unsuccessful. Besides that, everything else was normal.
So, we'll have to wait and see what happens next. I get more blood work done next week as well as another ultrasound to check "mid cycle" stuff. (With 5 - 6 week cycles, mid cycle is kind of hard to pinpoint.
Infertility is a lot of just waiting. It's difficult and not fun at all. Hopefully something will come from it, though. Now to just try and lose at least some of the weight that PCOS has brought on.
Happy Independence Day!
Friday, June 16, 2017
A year
It's been one year since our family piled into our jam-packed little Corolla and drove the 10 hours (12 hours with stops) to the Huntsville, Alabama area.
So much has happened in that year: miscarriage, depression, joy, making friends, growing to love the members of our ward, infertility and possible PCOS, exploring the area with friends, and getting a second vehicle so we can have adventures.
Never before have I felt such a strong feeling of "THIS is where we are supposed to be at this time." When it comes to the jobs J gets, it feels like it's been, he gets a job because that's where Heavenly Father wants us, and I'm pretty easy going, so it's easy for me to go with it and feel like it's right. But this is the first time I've felt strongly that this is where we are supposed to be.
Will we be here in Alabama forever? Probably not, but you never know.
For now at least, it's where we are meant to be.
So much has happened in that year: miscarriage, depression, joy, making friends, growing to love the members of our ward, infertility and possible PCOS, exploring the area with friends, and getting a second vehicle so we can have adventures.
Never before have I felt such a strong feeling of "THIS is where we are supposed to be at this time." When it comes to the jobs J gets, it feels like it's been, he gets a job because that's where Heavenly Father wants us, and I'm pretty easy going, so it's easy for me to go with it and feel like it's right. But this is the first time I've felt strongly that this is where we are supposed to be.
Will we be here in Alabama forever? Probably not, but you never know.
For now at least, it's where we are meant to be.
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Life with Infertility - An Update
This experience is hard. It's a lot of waiting, and I'm starting to wonder if my lesson during this trial is to learn patience. This is just a short update, but I want to try and keep everyone who cares in the know for what's happening.
My regular OB/GYN referred us to a specialist (reporductive endocrinologist and fertility specialist) because my adrenal testosterone level was high.
We met with the specialist for a consult on Friday. He thought that the particular test they did doesn't show an accurate representation, because the test was done towards the end of my cycle when the androgen (testosterone) levels are normally higher. So, within the first 5 days of my next cycle, I have to call and go in to have the test done again. Yay.... more blood work.
We discussed our options for diagnosing and treating, and have decided to do one diagnostic test at a time. That means waiting, because things can only be done during certain times of my cycle.
This is when I really wish my cycles were shorter.
Yes, I could stay quiet about what's happening and only share when we get pregnant, if we get pregnant, but I know I'm not the only one struggling with infertility. I'm not the only one, and I want people to know that they're not the only ones suffering. It's okay to talk about it. It's okay to not feel okay about your struggles.
If you ever need someone to talk or vent to about how it sucks, I'm here.
My regular OB/GYN referred us to a specialist (reporductive endocrinologist and fertility specialist) because my adrenal testosterone level was high.
We met with the specialist for a consult on Friday. He thought that the particular test they did doesn't show an accurate representation, because the test was done towards the end of my cycle when the androgen (testosterone) levels are normally higher. So, within the first 5 days of my next cycle, I have to call and go in to have the test done again. Yay.... more blood work.
We discussed our options for diagnosing and treating, and have decided to do one diagnostic test at a time. That means waiting, because things can only be done during certain times of my cycle.
This is when I really wish my cycles were shorter.
Yes, I could stay quiet about what's happening and only share when we get pregnant, if we get pregnant, but I know I'm not the only one struggling with infertility. I'm not the only one, and I want people to know that they're not the only ones suffering. It's okay to talk about it. It's okay to not feel okay about your struggles.
If you ever need someone to talk or vent to about how it sucks, I'm here.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Life with Infertility
Never once in my life did I think I would struggle with infertility. None of my family members have really struggled with fertility, although my mom did struggle to get pregnant with me for a year or two, but I don't think she had any problems after that.
I knew infertility happened, but it wouldn't ever happen to me, would it?
It did. Now, I'm not someone who's waited for years to get my first child. When we really started trying, it only took 5 months to get little E. And I haven't had to wait for many years to get another one. But we've been trying/not preventing for TWO years. When you are trying for something, that's a long time.
Last year I had two miscarriages. I don't know why, but I have been feeling like I'm broken ever since, especially because I don't know what went wrong. This year, my cycle has been all sorts of craziness, and that's not normal. I have very regular cycles, and have since I got them again after E. (They were fairly long cycles at 5 weeks, but they were consistent.) So when I had a week of bleeding every other week through the month of March, I knew something wasn't right, so I set up an appointment.
I got an ultrasound done, and I was told my ovaries were enlarged. The Dr. believed it was PCOS, so she ordered some blood work. My first round of blood work was mostly normal, but my testosterone levels were a little high.
The doctor ordered more blood work (they ended up doing the wrong test, so I had to get more blood drawn today) and my testosterone was almost double what the normal range is. So, I am one of many women who have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome).
I've done a little research on it. In the most basic form: my ovaries are not producing the right amounts of the right hormones. In my case, my enlarged ovaries are on hyperdrive and producing too much testosterone. I have to wait for the one blood test to make sure that nothing is wrong with my adrenal glands, but I finally have a name for why getting pregnant has been a struggle.
Our current course of action is to see what my body is doing, and whether it's ovulating irregularly, or not ovulating at all. Depending on what my body is doing, we'll make decisions for what is best for our family.
I am so happy to finally have a name. Something that I can make a plan of action for and hopefully get the baby #2 that we have been wanting for a while now. I'm sad that I have PCOS, because it can be, and usually is, a chronic condition. But I can fight this and figure it out. I don't know yet how much I will alter my diet. I do plan to keep exercising( or exercise more regularly), and trying to eat healthy. Having our next baby won't be easy and there's still some waiting to do, but I finally feel a little bit of hope that something can be done.
I knew infertility happened, but it wouldn't ever happen to me, would it?
It did. Now, I'm not someone who's waited for years to get my first child. When we really started trying, it only took 5 months to get little E. And I haven't had to wait for many years to get another one. But we've been trying/not preventing for TWO years. When you are trying for something, that's a long time.
Last year I had two miscarriages. I don't know why, but I have been feeling like I'm broken ever since, especially because I don't know what went wrong. This year, my cycle has been all sorts of craziness, and that's not normal. I have very regular cycles, and have since I got them again after E. (They were fairly long cycles at 5 weeks, but they were consistent.) So when I had a week of bleeding every other week through the month of March, I knew something wasn't right, so I set up an appointment.
I got an ultrasound done, and I was told my ovaries were enlarged. The Dr. believed it was PCOS, so she ordered some blood work. My first round of blood work was mostly normal, but my testosterone levels were a little high.
The doctor ordered more blood work (they ended up doing the wrong test, so I had to get more blood drawn today) and my testosterone was almost double what the normal range is. So, I am one of many women who have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome).
I've done a little research on it. In the most basic form: my ovaries are not producing the right amounts of the right hormones. In my case, my enlarged ovaries are on hyperdrive and producing too much testosterone. I have to wait for the one blood test to make sure that nothing is wrong with my adrenal glands, but I finally have a name for why getting pregnant has been a struggle.
Our current course of action is to see what my body is doing, and whether it's ovulating irregularly, or not ovulating at all. Depending on what my body is doing, we'll make decisions for what is best for our family.
I am so happy to finally have a name. Something that I can make a plan of action for and hopefully get the baby #2 that we have been wanting for a while now. I'm sad that I have PCOS, because it can be, and usually is, a chronic condition. But I can fight this and figure it out. I don't know yet how much I will alter my diet. I do plan to keep exercising( or exercise more regularly), and trying to eat healthy. Having our next baby won't be easy and there's still some waiting to do, but I finally feel a little bit of hope that something can be done.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
New Year, New Me
Every year I made a list of resolutions. Every year, I forgot them as soon as I wrote them down.
So I started the word of the year thing. Forgot it after I decided on it. So now I'm just making goals whenever I want.
This year, I made one goal. Technically two, if you count the going on more bike rides with the little "goal", which was made possible by one of my Christmas presents.
My only goal this year is to write one "talk" a month. I plan to use the same process as I would writing a talk I would give in sacrament meeting, without actually having to give it. I always learn better when I'm preparing to teach, and I feel like my spirituality needs a little work. It's so easy to get into a lazy cycle where I just don't do the best things. It's really hard as a stay-at-home mom to choose to do things for my own spiritual learning when I'm spending all my time teaching and watching my daughter. (And spending more time than necessary on social media, because being a SAHM is lonelier than being a teacher, and that's a lonely job.)
I have picked out twelve gospel topics I want to learn more about, and so I plan to write one talk a month, just for me. I may or may not post them here on my blog. But I'm hoping if I post this publicly, I'll be more accountable and be more likely to finish.
I do hope to update some of the things we have done since we moved to Alabama. (Not much has happened, but there have been a few things that I should post. Plus, who doesn't like pictures?)
So I started the word of the year thing. Forgot it after I decided on it. So now I'm just making goals whenever I want.
This year, I made one goal. Technically two, if you count the going on more bike rides with the little "goal", which was made possible by one of my Christmas presents.
My only goal this year is to write one "talk" a month. I plan to use the same process as I would writing a talk I would give in sacrament meeting, without actually having to give it. I always learn better when I'm preparing to teach, and I feel like my spirituality needs a little work. It's so easy to get into a lazy cycle where I just don't do the best things. It's really hard as a stay-at-home mom to choose to do things for my own spiritual learning when I'm spending all my time teaching and watching my daughter. (And spending more time than necessary on social media, because being a SAHM is lonelier than being a teacher, and that's a lonely job.)
I have picked out twelve gospel topics I want to learn more about, and so I plan to write one talk a month, just for me. I may or may not post them here on my blog. But I'm hoping if I post this publicly, I'll be more accountable and be more likely to finish.
I do hope to update some of the things we have done since we moved to Alabama. (Not much has happened, but there have been a few things that I should post. Plus, who doesn't like pictures?)
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