A year

It's been one year since our family piled into our jam-packed little Corolla and drove the 10 hours (12 hours with stops) to the Huntsville, Alabama area.

So much has happened in that year: miscarriage, depression, joy, making friends, growing to love the members of our ward, infertility and possible PCOS, exploring the area with friends, and getting a second vehicle so we can have adventures.

Never before have I felt such a strong feeling of "THIS is where we are supposed to be at this time." When it comes to the jobs J gets, it feels like it's been, he gets a job because that's where Heavenly Father wants us, and I'm pretty easy going, so it's easy for me to go with it and feel like it's right. But this is the first time I've felt strongly that this is where we are supposed to be.

Will we be here in Alabama forever? Probably not, but you never know.

For now at least, it's where we are meant to be.

Life with Infertility - An Update

This experience is hard. It's a lot of waiting, and I'm starting to wonder if my lesson during this trial is to learn patience. This is just a short update, but I want to try and keep everyone who cares in the know for what's happening.


 My regular OB/GYN referred us to a specialist (reporductive endocrinologist and fertility specialist) because my adrenal testosterone level was high.

We met with the specialist for a consult on Friday. He thought that the particular test they did doesn't show an accurate representation, because the test was done towards the end of my cycle when the androgen (testosterone) levels are normally higher. So, within the first 5 days of my next cycle, I have to call and go in to have the test done again. Yay.... more blood work.

We discussed our options for diagnosing and treating, and have decided to do one diagnostic test at a time. That means waiting, because things can only be done during certain times of my cycle.

This is when I really wish my cycles were shorter.


Yes, I could stay quiet about what's happening and only share when we get pregnant, if we get pregnant, but I know I'm not the only one struggling with infertility. I'm not the only one, and I want people to know that they're not the only ones suffering. It's okay to talk about it. It's okay to not feel okay about your struggles.

If you ever need someone to talk or vent to about how it sucks, I'm here.

Life with Infertility

Never once in my life did I think I would struggle with infertility. None of my family members have really struggled with fertility, although my mom did struggle to get pregnant with me for a year or two, but I don't think she had any problems after that.

I knew infertility happened, but it wouldn't ever happen to me, would it?

It did. Now, I'm not someone who's waited for years to get my first child. When we really started trying, it only took 5 months to get little E. And I haven't had to wait for many years to get another one. But we've been trying/not preventing for TWO years. When you are trying for something, that's a long time.

Last year I had two miscarriages. I don't know why, but I have been feeling like I'm broken ever since, especially because I don't know what went wrong. This year, my cycle has been all sorts of craziness, and that's not normal. I have very regular cycles, and have since I got them again after E. (They were fairly long cycles at 5 weeks, but they were consistent.) So when I had a week of bleeding every other week through the month of March, I knew something wasn't right, so I set up an appointment.

I got an ultrasound done, and I was told my ovaries were enlarged. The Dr. believed it was PCOS, so she ordered some blood work. My first round of blood work was mostly normal, but my testosterone levels were a little high.

The doctor ordered more blood work (they ended up doing the wrong test, so I had to get more blood drawn today) and my testosterone was almost double what the normal range is. So, I am one of many women who have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome).

I've done a little research on it. In the most basic form: my ovaries are not producing the right amounts of the right hormones. In my case, my enlarged ovaries are on hyperdrive and producing too much testosterone. I have to wait for the one blood test to make sure that nothing is wrong with my adrenal glands, but I finally have a name for why getting pregnant has been a struggle.

Our current course of action is to see what my body is doing, and whether it's ovulating irregularly, or not ovulating at all. Depending on what my body is doing, we'll make decisions for what is best for our family.

I am so happy to finally have a name. Something that I can make a plan of action for and hopefully get the baby #2 that we have been wanting for a while now. I'm sad that I have PCOS, because it can be, and usually is, a chronic condition. But I can fight this and figure it out. I don't know yet how much I will alter my diet. I do plan to keep exercising( or exercise more regularly), and trying to eat healthy. Having our next baby won't be easy and there's still some waiting to do, but I finally feel a little bit of hope that something can be done.

New Year, New Me

Every year I made a list of resolutions. Every year, I forgot them as soon as I wrote them down.
So I started the word of the year thing. Forgot it after I decided on it. So now I'm just making goals whenever I want.

This year, I made one goal. Technically two, if you count the going on more bike rides with the little "goal", which was made possible by one of my Christmas presents.

My only goal this year is to write one "talk" a month. I plan to use the same process as I would writing a talk I would give in sacrament meeting, without actually having to give it. I always learn better when I'm preparing to teach, and I feel like my spirituality needs a little work. It's so easy to get into a lazy cycle where I just don't do the best things. It's really hard as a stay-at-home mom to choose to do things for my own spiritual learning when I'm spending all my time teaching and watching my daughter. (And spending more time than necessary on social media, because being a SAHM is lonelier than being a teacher, and that's a lonely job.)

I have picked out twelve gospel topics I want to learn more about, and so I plan to write one talk a month, just for me. I may or may not post them here on my blog. But I'm hoping if I post this publicly, I'll be more accountable and be more likely to finish.

I do hope to update some of the things we have done since we moved to Alabama. (Not much has happened, but there have been a few things that I should post. Plus, who doesn't like pictures?)

Sacrament Talk 11-27-2016

(I am skipping the traditional introduction part.)

I was given the topic of continuing in faith and hope. For me, and I know for a lot of people, this has been a faith-trying year. President Hunter said, ”I have observed that life - every life - has a full share of ups and downs. Indeed, we see so many joys and sorrows in the world, many changed plans and new directions, many blessings that do not look or feel like blessings, and much that humbles us and improves our patience and our faith. We have all had those experiences from time to time, and I suppose we always will.” (Teachings of the Prophets, President Hunter, Chapter 3 - Adveristy) 

When I was asked to speak, I had just been through one of the hardest trials I have experienced, both emotionally and physically. Yet in the middle of that particular trial, I was reminded repeatedly to have faith in the Lord, trust in Him and His timing, and I felt his love for me. Oddly enough, getting asked to speak on this particular topic was one of those reminders that God knows and loves me. 

How does one continue in faith and hope?

The scripture that was given with the topic was Colossians 1:23. It says, ”continue in the faith grounded and settled, and be not moved away from the hope of the gospel, which ye have heard.” Like me, I’m sure most people can say that just by continuing to live and do what we need to, we can say we are continuing in faith. Continue means to persist in an activity or process. But isn’t there more to it that we should be working toward? Yes. Looking at the footnotes provides a deeper meaning. Changing out words in the verse with words offered in the footnotes provides more depth and additional insight to the principle.. When you replace the words, the phrase becomes, ”persevere in the faith established and steadfast, and be not moved away from the hope of the gospel.”

While merely continuing with faith is good and sometimes we need to do it, we need to make the choice to trust on the Lord every single day. Persevere is a much stronger word choice. Persevere means to persist in anything undertaken, maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement. We have to make the choice daily to have faith in God. And it’s not just any faith, it’s the faith we have established and is steadfast. It’s the faith that we have worked on from the moment we learned and believed the gospel. From that faith, we can feel hope. Not any hope, but specifically the hope of the gospel - the hope that there is more beyond this life, the hope that families are forever, the hope that God is with us every step of the way, and so much more. 

The first principle of the gospel is faith, as we learn in the 4th Article of Faith. We know from Alma that faith is not knowledge, but a hope for things that are true (Alma 32:21). Moroni taught us that faith is things hoped for and not seen (Ether 12:6). 

President Uchtdorf in his talk to the sisters in September 2015 gave a great parable of faith and hope. A young girl was sent to spend a summer with her great-aunt while her  mom had a surgery. Like all of us who have trials, she really didn’t want it. At the end of the summer, after she had grown to enjoy her experience, she had a conversation with her aunt about why her aunt was so happy. Her aunt shared with her, ”There is enough that doesn’t go right in life, so anyone can work themselves into a puddle of pessimism and a mess of melancholy... God didn’t design us to be sad. He created us to have joy! So if we trust in Him, He will help us notice the good, bright, hopeful things of life. No, it doesn’t happen instantly, but honestly, how many good things do? Seems to me the best things...take patience and work.” And then the aunt shared her secret of how she gained her happiness despite the trials she was given. ”I discovered faith. And faith led to hope. And faith and hope gave me the confidence that one day everything would make sense, that because of the Savior, all wrongs would be made right... Faith and hope will open your eyes to the happiness that is placed before you.”

Moroni said, ”Wherefore, if a man have faith, he must needs have hope; for without faith, there cannot be any hope.” (Moroni 7:42) Faith and hope go hand in hand. If we have faith, we will have the hope of the gospel to help us persevere through even our hardest trials. 

Elder Neil Andersen of the Quorum of the Twelve said, ”Faith never demands an answer to every question but seeks the assurance and courage to move forward, sometimes acknowledging, ‘I don’t know everything, but I do know enough to continue on the path of discipleship.” (Faith is Not by Chance, But by Choice, October 2015) 

It takes courage to keep going when life is throwing experiences at you. We will not know everything. We can have faith and believe that through the Savior everything will be made right eventually, either in this life or after our time in mortality is completed. 

President Uchtdorf in his address to the sisters in September of this year said, ”Faith means that we trust not only in God’s wisdom, but that we trust also in His love. It means trusting that God loves us perfectly, that everything he does - every blessing He gives and every blessing he, for a time, withholds - is for our eternal happiness.” (Fourth floor, Last Door, September 2016)

This talk was delivered while I was in the middle of my trial after I had put my trust in Heavenly Father and made a choice to go to the stake women’s retreat, even though I wasn’t feeling like I was able to go and was afraid I would not have a good time. I exercised my faith, and I learned even more about the Lord’s love for me. I went and I enjoyed almost every minute, even though it was hard. I know that every blessing he gives, and even the blessings the Lord sometimes keeps from us, is so that we can be eternally happy, even though we wonder how it will ever work out for us. In my trial, I have often wondered if it will all work out, but through faith and hope in the Lord, I get the peace and assurance that it will work out.

So how can we establish and ground our faith so that it is steadfast during our trials?

It’s the things we always talk about regularly. We need to read the scriptures and pray daily. We can serve and share our testimonies with others. By doing those things, our testimonies will be strengthened, and the Lord will be able to let us know through inspiration what we can do to help our faith become stronger. That way when the trials do come, we are able to rely on  our Heavenly Father and Savior for the strength to ”press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope”. (2 Nephi 31:20) 

Again we learn from Alma (Alma 32:28) that faith is like a seed, and as the primary song goes, “faith is like a little seed, if planted it will grow.” As we do what we are asked to do by the Lord and our leaders and trust in the Lord, our seed of faith will grow and take root. Just like roots take hold of the earth, and as we care for the roots, they get stronger through constant nourishment. So it is with our faith. The more we work on our faith and nourish it, the stronger it becomes. When our faith is strong, so is our hope that God is in charge and everything will work out for our good. 

During my trial, I wrote a poem to get down my feelings, and to remind myself that God loves me and is always there for me. Because of my faith that I had worked on and nourished, I could rely on Him when everything else didn’t make any sense. 

The poem reads: 

My God is very mindful/ Of the person that I am.

He’s pushing me to do/ The very best that I can. 

Sometimes this life is harder/ Than I ever thought it’d be.

But my God who watches over/ Blesses and cares for me. 

I don’t always get the answers/ That I ask for when I pray

But God knows what I need/ Before I even say.

And when I come to Him in tears/ He holds me in his arms

And tells me that he loves me so/ And makes me feel so warm.

I know that he is watching./ I know he feels my pain.

But even through the sorrow/ There is so much I gain. 

Patience in my trials/ Courage to stand tall.

Love to give to others/ My God is Lord of all.

My trial didn’t come to the happy close I would have liked at the time, but I have faith in my God. My faith is stronger because of my trial. Because of my faith, I have hope that everything will work out. And because of the faith and hope, I have felt God’s love for me, and I have confidence that one day, all of the blessings that I seek for will be mine. 

I know that as we exercise our faith we are blessed. As we persevere in the faith that we have established through our daily actions, we will have the hope to see the light that is all around us. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life and for the hope and peace it gives me. I know that Heavenly Father lives and loves us. He loves us so much that he sent his Only Begotten Son here to earth to perform the atonement so that we may repent and return to live with him again. I know that this is the fullness of the gospel restored to the earth through the Prophet Joseph Smith. I know that President Monson leads the church with authority from God today. I know that we’ve come to this earth to gain experiences through trials, and that we will be blessed as we have faith and hope in the Lord. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Miscarriage

It is one of the most painful (emotionally and physically), annoying, and depressing things. 

I have thought about what words I want to say about this topic. I'm so glad women are able to talk about it and show that we are not alone in our experiences. 

This is my second one this year. I never tested for pregnancy either time (it's a compromise for us to wait for the second missed period), but when your cycles are regular and then are 2-3 weeks late and you have awful cramps and heavy bleeding, I didn't need a test to know what I was losing. 

And it's hard. 

It's hard to know that you aren't having another baby, when you are beginning to desperately want another. 

It's hard to feel like you're broken, and there's nothing you can do about it. 

It's hard when you feel like it's the most important thing you could want. What could be more important than raising kids? Why am I not getting that blessing?

Through this experience, yes I've learned it's hard. I've also learned:

-The Lord loves me. 

-He knows what I'm experiencing, both emotionally and physically. 

-Our bodies are the most miraculous things. 

-Family is the most important thing. 

-I can do hard things. 

-The Lord knows best, and I need to trust his timing. 

-There is hope. 

It's amazing that a woman's body can assess a pregnancy and determine if it's viable. I don't know at what point spirits enter the body, nor do I know whether I will ever raise the babies I've lost at just a few weeks in utero, but I know God is in charge, and I'll trust Him.   

You never know how strong you are, until you are pushed to the limit. 

I know that one day I'll have more children, because the Lord has promised me that I will. He never breaks a promise. 

Miscarriage is hard and depressing, but when my rainbow baby comes, I will be so much happier for the struggle I went through. 

My God

My God is very mindful 

Of the person that I am. 

He's pushing me to do 

The very best that I can. 

Sometimes this life is harder

Than I ever thought it'd be. 

But my God, who watches over,

Blesses and cares for me. 

I don't always get the answers 

That I ask for when I pray

But God knows what I need

Before I even say. 

And when I come to Him in tears

He holds me in his arms

And tells me that He loves me so 

And makes me feel so warm. 

I know that he is watching. 

I know he feels my pain. 

But even through the sorrow 

There is so much I gain. 

Patience in my trials 

Courage to stand tall

Love to give to others 

My God is Lord of All.

------

That's the poem I wrote this morning. 

I've been really struggling lately.

We have been not preventing and waiting and trying for baby #2 since little E was 9 months old. 

Our story isn't as bad as other stories, but it's amazing how devastated one feels when you once again start a period. I don't know at what point it's considered secondary infertility, but I feel like that's the group I fit in right now. I wanted to be done having kids by 30 years old. I wanted 3 or 4. I'll never make it to that plan now. I'm almost 28 and I only have one. She is an adorable, wonderful, amazing, and very helpful girl, and I wouldn't change or trade her for the world, but I can honestly say now that I want another. 

I'm going to get honest. 

I am pretty sure I miscarried in March of this year. I was 2 weeks late, and had the worst cramps that almost rivaled contractions and had a long, heavy period. I won't know for sure, because I never took a test. (J seems to think that's what makes one sick during pregnancy. So our compromise is 2 missed periods before we test. (Or I think until I feel sick all the time. XD))

The hardest thing is being weeks late, waiting to take a test, and bleeding before you have the chance, knowing that if you were pregnant, you're not now. 

My story isn't as bad as those who wait through years and years of trying, but it still hurts EVERY TIME. But I know that God is mindful of us. Our sorrows are His sorrows. He knows what is best for us, and I'm trying to learn the patience that he is trying to teach me. I have the hope in his promise to me that I will bear more children. 

My God never lies. I trust Him, and I trust in His promises. One day, I know I will have more children. I am so glad He knows what each of us needs better than we do, and for that, I will be forever grateful. I just have to have faith and rely on His timing.