Adding to our Family

At 19 weeks, we had our appointment to find out the gender. We were excited to find out before we went home to Arizona so we could tell family.

At the appointment, they looked at the baby, who was growing well, and we found out that we were having a boy. And it was pretty obvious. It was very difficult holding it in that it was a boy until Thanksgiving day, but I'm glad that we were able to do everyone at one time.

December we returned to the west for my sister's wedding, and then Christmas in Arizona. It was a little difficult while pregnant, but I enjoyed my time with family. February, we purchased a house and gave up renting for the time being (and hopefully forever). Thankfully we had a month to move, because I was not able to get hardly anything done.

We started in our new ward March 11, and I miss our 3rd ward friends, but I'm enjoying getting to know the new ward members.

My parents came out the end of March and beginning of April, expecting Baby Boy would get here early like his sister. But nope, he was a stubborn little guy. I was at 1 cm dilated for about a month, and her stripping my membranes did nothing. We needed him to get here while my mom was still in town, so we went in on the night of April 10th to get induced.

We got to the hospital at 10pm. We got checked in and then brought up to the labor and delivery room. I was a given a pill at around midnight to start the cervix thinning and dilating. And within 30 minutes, I was having very consistent contractions. Too consistent for the nurse, because she came in and gave me a shot to slow them down.

We discussed what we wanted to name him, and actually decided before he arrived.

I regret not trying to sleep at the beginning of labor. I played on my phone while Jason tried to sleep. Occasionally I went to use the bathroom. From midnight to 4:30am, the contractions weren't terrible. By 6am, I was definitely feeling them, and I decided I wanted the epidural then, but I waited until 6:30 before we got the nurse to start up with the epidural stuff. The anesthesiologist came in at almost 7:30, and the contractions were getting very unpleasant and hard to breathe through. Once the epidural was set, though, I was immediately able to relax, and I started to doze. By about 7:45 am, my OBGYN came in to check and see how things were going and break my water. I moved a leg so she could do that, and it gushed itself. The nurse told me to let them know if it felt like I needed to poop. I tried to rest some more, but within 10 - 20 minutes, I felt a very intense pain in my vagina. I was exhausted and it didn't feel like I needed to poop, but it was crazy painful, so I had J call the nurse.

She came in, gave me a little more epidural juice and moved to check on things and everything immediately went into motion because he finally decided he wanted to get here, and now. I am pretty sure the epidural had not fully kicked in, which is why I felt the pain. The doctor came in and I started pushing. With just 15 - 30 minutes of pushing, Baby Ellis Michael arrived.

I felt so much relief knowing that I was done with the hard part of labor. I did get a second degree tear, sadly, and I'll be honest that healing this time around did not go as easily, and I'm still a little nervous that something didn't heal right and it will be hard to get pregnant again.

But we were joined by an adorable little boy.

Life with Infertility: The Longest week

I thought that waiting 14 days to test to see if I was pregnant or not was the longest wait ever. I was not far off, but the week of waiting to see if the baby had grown at all over the course of the following week was the absolute worst.

For one week, I had no clue if the baby was growing. For a week, I did not know if I would start to miscarry. For a week, I waited to be able to see what happened.

Our appointment a week later, we did not know what to expect. We had been told that we were likely to miscarry. He was a specialist. How could we doubt?

The ultrasound was started, and the heartbeat was still there. Not only was it there, it was a little stronger. And the fetus had grown - almost two weeks of growth! It now measured 6 weeks and 6 days along, just barely a week younger than it should have been.

The doctor was hesitant to say that we were out of the woods, but he did offer his cautious optimism that all would work out, especially since I was starting to feel a little morning sickness. We were to come back in a week to see if it was continuing to grow, and then, if all was well, we would be transferred back to my regular OBGYN.

We returned, and the baby was continuing to grow, for which we were very grateful, and we were given a due date of April 7th, 2018.

We constantly prayed that all would go well with the pregnancy and that Baby would join us soon.

Life with infertility: Getting pregnant

July of 2017 saw us spending a lot of time at the fertility clinic. At least once a week, sometimes more.

We went in the middle of July to get intrauterine insemination done, as the hormones in my blood were indicating that I was getting ready to ovulate. My instructions were to take a pregnancy test 14 days after the procedure. That was one of the longest 14 days of my life.

That morning, I took a pregnancy test, and the line was very faint, but it was there. I was pregnant, but would it last? I had miscarried at about 6 weeks along twice already, so I didn't want to get my hopes up. After the test, we went to get more blood work done and make sure my hormone levels were good.

They were a little lower than I think they wanted, but they were in the range, and they were growing when I went back again. Our hopes were fairly high that this pregnancy would be successful. We set up an appointment with the fertility specialist to have an ultrasound at 7 weeks to make sure that everything was looking good.

At this point, I don't think I felt pregnant yet. I hadn't been hit with not wanting to eat or nausea. I wasn't super worried, though. We made it to the appointment and they started the ultrasound. Almost immediately, I could see the little fetus. It definitely had a heartbeat, but I was starting to tell the dr wasn't too pleased with what he saw.

After he turned the machine off, he had me get clothes back on before he came back in. He told us that the fetus was measuring around 5 weeks in size and had a slower heartbeat than he thought it should. In short, he told us to prepare to miscarry by the end of the week.

We. Were. Devastated.

We had seen the heartbeat. The baby was small, but alive. I couldn't go through a miscarriage again. And honestly, if I had, it might have broken me. We tried to keep it together leaving the office with our sweet little E, not sure what was happening. I asked for a blessing, if we could get someone to come help J give one.

The rest of the day I cried. I cried so hard, I regretted it the next day, because I had a major headache and puffy eyes. J kept saying, "Why did he have to show us the heartbeat?" I think that seeing him that sad and depressed was so hard, and it might have been the closest I've seen him to crying. (But don't tell him I said that.)

I posted on Facebook that afternoon asking for prayers from our family and friends. It was so hard to not be able to give details, but I am grateful to everyone that said a little prayer for us. That night, I got a blessing from him and the person he worked with for Deacon's Quorum/Scouts. I didn't know what would happen, but I had peace that everything would work out.

It's been a while...

It has been over a year since I updated this. To be honest, it's been a mix of growing a baby, birthing a baby, taking care of two kids, and working on my art "business."

And with all of that, updating here has not been my priority. I will not make any promises to keep up with everything. But I will try to update with our fertility journey.

Sometimes it's fine...

And sometimes it's not.

I'm sure all of my posts about having infertility issues have seemed probably more positive than most people would sound when they're dealing with health issues that cause them to not get one of the few things they want.

And overall, I usually am fine. I don't spend days crying. I don't wonder why this is happening to me every day. I don't even think about it sometimes, because I know this is a trial I need to go through and I'm just busy trying to learn what I need to learn.


Most of the time I can deal with it.


But sometimes, I get sucker-punched by a picture or a comment and all the emotions hit at one time. It's not pretty. It's not fun. But it's real. And it's what I, and many other people deal with.

I wonder what it will take to get pregnant. I wonder if I ever will get pregnant again.

It hurts, but sometimes it's okay to not be okay. And that's where I am. Sometimes I'm okay. Sometimes I'm not okay.

And that's okay.

Infertility: An Update

I know I have people who are interested in staying updated with this journey I'm going on. I'm sure there are others who don't care. I want to document what's going on because infertility is not talked about enough.

We went to a consultation with the specialist about 3 or 4 weeks ago. We are in diagnostic phase, which means up till now we've really not done any treatment.

I had blood work done the end of June to check my hormone levels at the start of my cycle. They came back normal, so that's good news. It was a process getting the blood though. I was poked 4 times before they sent me to a lab. Darn my horrible veins. I'm still a little bruised on my left arm.

The next step was to get a Saline Infusion Sonohysterography to see if there were any issues with my uterine wall or Fallopian tubes.

I definitely have PCOS. My ovaries are enlarged, and I have a lot of cysts from follicles that have tried to ovulate and been unsuccessful. Besides that, everything else was normal.

So, we'll have to wait and see what happens next. I get more blood work done next week as well as another ultrasound to check "mid cycle" stuff. (With 5 - 6 week cycles, mid cycle is kind of hard to pinpoint.

Infertility is a lot of just waiting. It's difficult and not fun at all. Hopefully something will come from it, though. Now to just try and lose at least some of the weight that PCOS has brought on.

Happy Independence Day!

A year

It's been one year since our family piled into our jam-packed little Corolla and drove the 10 hours (12 hours with stops) to the Huntsville, Alabama area.

So much has happened in that year: miscarriage, depression, joy, making friends, growing to love the members of our ward, infertility and possible PCOS, exploring the area with friends, and getting a second vehicle so we can have adventures.

Never before have I felt such a strong feeling of "THIS is where we are supposed to be at this time." When it comes to the jobs J gets, it feels like it's been, he gets a job because that's where Heavenly Father wants us, and I'm pretty easy going, so it's easy for me to go with it and feel like it's right. But this is the first time I've felt strongly that this is where we are supposed to be.

Will we be here in Alabama forever? Probably not, but you never know.

For now at least, it's where we are meant to be.

Life with Infertility - An Update

This experience is hard. It's a lot of waiting, and I'm starting to wonder if my lesson during this trial is to learn patience. This is just a short update, but I want to try and keep everyone who cares in the know for what's happening.


 My regular OB/GYN referred us to a specialist (reporductive endocrinologist and fertility specialist) because my adrenal testosterone level was high.

We met with the specialist for a consult on Friday. He thought that the particular test they did doesn't show an accurate representation, because the test was done towards the end of my cycle when the androgen (testosterone) levels are normally higher. So, within the first 5 days of my next cycle, I have to call and go in to have the test done again. Yay.... more blood work.

We discussed our options for diagnosing and treating, and have decided to do one diagnostic test at a time. That means waiting, because things can only be done during certain times of my cycle.

This is when I really wish my cycles were shorter.


Yes, I could stay quiet about what's happening and only share when we get pregnant, if we get pregnant, but I know I'm not the only one struggling with infertility. I'm not the only one, and I want people to know that they're not the only ones suffering. It's okay to talk about it. It's okay to not feel okay about your struggles.

If you ever need someone to talk or vent to about how it sucks, I'm here.

Life with Infertility

Never once in my life did I think I would struggle with infertility. None of my family members have really struggled with fertility, although my mom did struggle to get pregnant with me for a year or two, but I don't think she had any problems after that.

I knew infertility happened, but it wouldn't ever happen to me, would it?

It did. Now, I'm not someone who's waited for years to get my first child. When we really started trying, it only took 5 months to get little E. And I haven't had to wait for many years to get another one. But we've been trying/not preventing for TWO years. When you are trying for something, that's a long time.

Last year I had two miscarriages. I don't know why, but I have been feeling like I'm broken ever since, especially because I don't know what went wrong. This year, my cycle has been all sorts of craziness, and that's not normal. I have very regular cycles, and have since I got them again after E. (They were fairly long cycles at 5 weeks, but they were consistent.) So when I had a week of bleeding every other week through the month of March, I knew something wasn't right, so I set up an appointment.

I got an ultrasound done, and I was told my ovaries were enlarged. The Dr. believed it was PCOS, so she ordered some blood work. My first round of blood work was mostly normal, but my testosterone levels were a little high.

The doctor ordered more blood work (they ended up doing the wrong test, so I had to get more blood drawn today) and my testosterone was almost double what the normal range is. So, I am one of many women who have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome).

I've done a little research on it. In the most basic form: my ovaries are not producing the right amounts of the right hormones. In my case, my enlarged ovaries are on hyperdrive and producing too much testosterone. I have to wait for the one blood test to make sure that nothing is wrong with my adrenal glands, but I finally have a name for why getting pregnant has been a struggle.

Our current course of action is to see what my body is doing, and whether it's ovulating irregularly, or not ovulating at all. Depending on what my body is doing, we'll make decisions for what is best for our family.

I am so happy to finally have a name. Something that I can make a plan of action for and hopefully get the baby #2 that we have been wanting for a while now. I'm sad that I have PCOS, because it can be, and usually is, a chronic condition. But I can fight this and figure it out. I don't know yet how much I will alter my diet. I do plan to keep exercising( or exercise more regularly), and trying to eat healthy. Having our next baby won't be easy and there's still some waiting to do, but I finally feel a little bit of hope that something can be done.

New Year, New Me

Every year I made a list of resolutions. Every year, I forgot them as soon as I wrote them down.
So I started the word of the year thing. Forgot it after I decided on it. So now I'm just making goals whenever I want.

This year, I made one goal. Technically two, if you count the going on more bike rides with the little "goal", which was made possible by one of my Christmas presents.

My only goal this year is to write one "talk" a month. I plan to use the same process as I would writing a talk I would give in sacrament meeting, without actually having to give it. I always learn better when I'm preparing to teach, and I feel like my spirituality needs a little work. It's so easy to get into a lazy cycle where I just don't do the best things. It's really hard as a stay-at-home mom to choose to do things for my own spiritual learning when I'm spending all my time teaching and watching my daughter. (And spending more time than necessary on social media, because being a SAHM is lonelier than being a teacher, and that's a lonely job.)

I have picked out twelve gospel topics I want to learn more about, and so I plan to write one talk a month, just for me. I may or may not post them here on my blog. But I'm hoping if I post this publicly, I'll be more accountable and be more likely to finish.

I do hope to update some of the things we have done since we moved to Alabama. (Not much has happened, but there have been a few things that I should post. Plus, who doesn't like pictures?)

Sacrament Talk 11-27-2016

(I am skipping the traditional introduction part.)

I was given the topic of continuing in faith and hope. For me, and I know for a lot of people, this has been a faith-trying year. President Hunter said, ”I have observed that life - every life - has a full share of ups and downs. Indeed, we see so many joys and sorrows in the world, many changed plans and new directions, many blessings that do not look or feel like blessings, and much that humbles us and improves our patience and our faith. We have all had those experiences from time to time, and I suppose we always will.” (Teachings of the Prophets, President Hunter, Chapter 3 - Adveristy) 

When I was asked to speak, I had just been through one of the hardest trials I have experienced, both emotionally and physically. Yet in the middle of that particular trial, I was reminded repeatedly to have faith in the Lord, trust in Him and His timing, and I felt his love for me. Oddly enough, getting asked to speak on this particular topic was one of those reminders that God knows and loves me. 

How does one continue in faith and hope?

The scripture that was given with the topic was Colossians 1:23. It says, ”continue in the faith grounded and settled, and be not moved away from the hope of the gospel, which ye have heard.” Like me, I’m sure most people can say that just by continuing to live and do what we need to, we can say we are continuing in faith. Continue means to persist in an activity or process. But isn’t there more to it that we should be working toward? Yes. Looking at the footnotes provides a deeper meaning. Changing out words in the verse with words offered in the footnotes provides more depth and additional insight to the principle.. When you replace the words, the phrase becomes, ”persevere in the faith established and steadfast, and be not moved away from the hope of the gospel.”

While merely continuing with faith is good and sometimes we need to do it, we need to make the choice to trust on the Lord every single day. Persevere is a much stronger word choice. Persevere means to persist in anything undertaken, maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement. We have to make the choice daily to have faith in God. And it’s not just any faith, it’s the faith we have established and is steadfast. It’s the faith that we have worked on from the moment we learned and believed the gospel. From that faith, we can feel hope. Not any hope, but specifically the hope of the gospel - the hope that there is more beyond this life, the hope that families are forever, the hope that God is with us every step of the way, and so much more. 

The first principle of the gospel is faith, as we learn in the 4th Article of Faith. We know from Alma that faith is not knowledge, but a hope for things that are true (Alma 32:21). Moroni taught us that faith is things hoped for and not seen (Ether 12:6). 

President Uchtdorf in his talk to the sisters in September 2015 gave a great parable of faith and hope. A young girl was sent to spend a summer with her great-aunt while her  mom had a surgery. Like all of us who have trials, she really didn’t want it. At the end of the summer, after she had grown to enjoy her experience, she had a conversation with her aunt about why her aunt was so happy. Her aunt shared with her, ”There is enough that doesn’t go right in life, so anyone can work themselves into a puddle of pessimism and a mess of melancholy... God didn’t design us to be sad. He created us to have joy! So if we trust in Him, He will help us notice the good, bright, hopeful things of life. No, it doesn’t happen instantly, but honestly, how many good things do? Seems to me the best things...take patience and work.” And then the aunt shared her secret of how she gained her happiness despite the trials she was given. ”I discovered faith. And faith led to hope. And faith and hope gave me the confidence that one day everything would make sense, that because of the Savior, all wrongs would be made right... Faith and hope will open your eyes to the happiness that is placed before you.”

Moroni said, ”Wherefore, if a man have faith, he must needs have hope; for without faith, there cannot be any hope.” (Moroni 7:42) Faith and hope go hand in hand. If we have faith, we will have the hope of the gospel to help us persevere through even our hardest trials. 

Elder Neil Andersen of the Quorum of the Twelve said, ”Faith never demands an answer to every question but seeks the assurance and courage to move forward, sometimes acknowledging, ‘I don’t know everything, but I do know enough to continue on the path of discipleship.” (Faith is Not by Chance, But by Choice, October 2015) 

It takes courage to keep going when life is throwing experiences at you. We will not know everything. We can have faith and believe that through the Savior everything will be made right eventually, either in this life or after our time in mortality is completed. 

President Uchtdorf in his address to the sisters in September of this year said, ”Faith means that we trust not only in God’s wisdom, but that we trust also in His love. It means trusting that God loves us perfectly, that everything he does - every blessing He gives and every blessing he, for a time, withholds - is for our eternal happiness.” (Fourth floor, Last Door, September 2016)

This talk was delivered while I was in the middle of my trial after I had put my trust in Heavenly Father and made a choice to go to the stake women’s retreat, even though I wasn’t feeling like I was able to go and was afraid I would not have a good time. I exercised my faith, and I learned even more about the Lord’s love for me. I went and I enjoyed almost every minute, even though it was hard. I know that every blessing he gives, and even the blessings the Lord sometimes keeps from us, is so that we can be eternally happy, even though we wonder how it will ever work out for us. In my trial, I have often wondered if it will all work out, but through faith and hope in the Lord, I get the peace and assurance that it will work out.

So how can we establish and ground our faith so that it is steadfast during our trials?

It’s the things we always talk about regularly. We need to read the scriptures and pray daily. We can serve and share our testimonies with others. By doing those things, our testimonies will be strengthened, and the Lord will be able to let us know through inspiration what we can do to help our faith become stronger. That way when the trials do come, we are able to rely on  our Heavenly Father and Savior for the strength to ”press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope”. (2 Nephi 31:20) 

Again we learn from Alma (Alma 32:28) that faith is like a seed, and as the primary song goes, “faith is like a little seed, if planted it will grow.” As we do what we are asked to do by the Lord and our leaders and trust in the Lord, our seed of faith will grow and take root. Just like roots take hold of the earth, and as we care for the roots, they get stronger through constant nourishment. So it is with our faith. The more we work on our faith and nourish it, the stronger it becomes. When our faith is strong, so is our hope that God is in charge and everything will work out for our good. 

During my trial, I wrote a poem to get down my feelings, and to remind myself that God loves me and is always there for me. Because of my faith that I had worked on and nourished, I could rely on Him when everything else didn’t make any sense. 

The poem reads: 

My God is very mindful/ Of the person that I am.

He’s pushing me to do/ The very best that I can. 

Sometimes this life is harder/ Than I ever thought it’d be.

But my God who watches over/ Blesses and cares for me. 

I don’t always get the answers/ That I ask for when I pray

But God knows what I need/ Before I even say.

And when I come to Him in tears/ He holds me in his arms

And tells me that he loves me so/ And makes me feel so warm.

I know that he is watching./ I know he feels my pain.

But even through the sorrow/ There is so much I gain. 

Patience in my trials/ Courage to stand tall.

Love to give to others/ My God is Lord of all.

My trial didn’t come to the happy close I would have liked at the time, but I have faith in my God. My faith is stronger because of my trial. Because of my faith, I have hope that everything will work out. And because of the faith and hope, I have felt God’s love for me, and I have confidence that one day, all of the blessings that I seek for will be mine. 

I know that as we exercise our faith we are blessed. As we persevere in the faith that we have established through our daily actions, we will have the hope to see the light that is all around us. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life and for the hope and peace it gives me. I know that Heavenly Father lives and loves us. He loves us so much that he sent his Only Begotten Son here to earth to perform the atonement so that we may repent and return to live with him again. I know that this is the fullness of the gospel restored to the earth through the Prophet Joseph Smith. I know that President Monson leads the church with authority from God today. I know that we’ve come to this earth to gain experiences through trials, and that we will be blessed as we have faith and hope in the Lord. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Miscarriage

It is one of the most painful (emotionally and physically), annoying, and depressing things. 

I have thought about what words I want to say about this topic. I'm so glad women are able to talk about it and show that we are not alone in our experiences. 

This is my second one this year. I never tested for pregnancy either time (it's a compromise for us to wait for the second missed period), but when your cycles are regular and then are 2-3 weeks late and you have awful cramps and heavy bleeding, I didn't need a test to know what I was losing. 

And it's hard. 

It's hard to know that you aren't having another baby, when you are beginning to desperately want another. 

It's hard to feel like you're broken, and there's nothing you can do about it. 

It's hard when you feel like it's the most important thing you could want. What could be more important than raising kids? Why am I not getting that blessing?

Through this experience, yes I've learned it's hard. I've also learned:

-The Lord loves me. 

-He knows what I'm experiencing, both emotionally and physically. 

-Our bodies are the most miraculous things. 

-Family is the most important thing. 

-I can do hard things. 

-The Lord knows best, and I need to trust his timing. 

-There is hope. 

It's amazing that a woman's body can assess a pregnancy and determine if it's viable. I don't know at what point spirits enter the body, nor do I know whether I will ever raise the babies I've lost at just a few weeks in utero, but I know God is in charge, and I'll trust Him.   

You never know how strong you are, until you are pushed to the limit. 

I know that one day I'll have more children, because the Lord has promised me that I will. He never breaks a promise. 

Miscarriage is hard and depressing, but when my rainbow baby comes, I will be so much happier for the struggle I went through. 

My God

My God is very mindful 

Of the person that I am. 

He's pushing me to do 

The very best that I can. 

Sometimes this life is harder

Than I ever thought it'd be. 

But my God, who watches over,

Blesses and cares for me. 

I don't always get the answers 

That I ask for when I pray

But God knows what I need

Before I even say. 

And when I come to Him in tears

He holds me in his arms

And tells me that He loves me so 

And makes me feel so warm. 

I know that he is watching. 

I know he feels my pain. 

But even through the sorrow 

There is so much I gain. 

Patience in my trials 

Courage to stand tall

Love to give to others 

My God is Lord of All.

------

That's the poem I wrote this morning. 

I've been really struggling lately.

We have been not preventing and waiting and trying for baby #2 since little E was 9 months old. 

Our story isn't as bad as other stories, but it's amazing how devastated one feels when you once again start a period. I don't know at what point it's considered secondary infertility, but I feel like that's the group I fit in right now. I wanted to be done having kids by 30 years old. I wanted 3 or 4. I'll never make it to that plan now. I'm almost 28 and I only have one. She is an adorable, wonderful, amazing, and very helpful girl, and I wouldn't change or trade her for the world, but I can honestly say now that I want another. 

I'm going to get honest. 

I am pretty sure I miscarried in March of this year. I was 2 weeks late, and had the worst cramps that almost rivaled contractions and had a long, heavy period. I won't know for sure, because I never took a test. (J seems to think that's what makes one sick during pregnancy. So our compromise is 2 missed periods before we test. (Or I think until I feel sick all the time. XD))

The hardest thing is being weeks late, waiting to take a test, and bleeding before you have the chance, knowing that if you were pregnant, you're not now. 

My story isn't as bad as those who wait through years and years of trying, but it still hurts EVERY TIME. But I know that God is mindful of us. Our sorrows are His sorrows. He knows what is best for us, and I'm trying to learn the patience that he is trying to teach me. I have the hope in his promise to me that I will bear more children. 

My God never lies. I trust Him, and I trust in His promises. One day, I know I will have more children. I am so glad He knows what each of us needs better than we do, and for that, I will be forever grateful. I just have to have faith and rely on His timing. 

A month in...

Today marks one month since we drove down to Alabama. 

Things I love so far: 

- The clouds (they remind me of AZ clouds)

- The people (oh my goodness, I have never met such a friendly community since living in Lehi, AZ)

- The space (fields are everywhere! Houses are not crammed together. There's a lot less people than in DC)

- The stores (Sprouts, Smashburger, SONIC, and other stores I missed being close to. Hobby Lobby is nearby! And my new favorite/yet slightly awkward store is Publix. They have someone who will walk you out to your car and put the groceries in the car for you! As a mom, that is amazing. As an introvert… can you say awkward?)

Things I am not a fan of:

- Humidity (It's warmer than VA and wetter than AZ. But I can survive it so long as I'm not doing hard labor. Like moving.)

- Dixie Alley (no one told me this until I was here, but apparently they get tornadoes. And after looking online, the area is one of the highest in tornado damage cost. Excuse me while I go panic. )

- Distance (not really a bad thing, but I miss my Costco being 10 minutes away. I cry. It's a half hour there and another half hour back now. 

Overall, I am really happy. I honestly feel like this is where we are supposed to be, at least for right now. Thank heavens the Lord knows what He's doing. 

Moving on to newer things

It's been so long since I've posted anything. Over a year, I believe. It's hard to post when you feel like you don't do anything, and when you do you don't know what to say about it. I started several posts but never finished them. 

It's been an amazing 18 months here in Virginia. I have made some good friends in our ward, and it's been a great learning experience! 

(Yes, that many pictures of Little E is necessary. It's always necessary. Haha)

Being in a military ward, I don't know how you members of the military do it. Moving across multiple states every couple of years! 

I couldn't have asked for a better area to be in for my first time living away from "home". 

But now it's time to say goodbye. 

Our new adventure is taking us to Huntsville, Alabama. It's a better job, and one where J can come to church with us! 

I will miss all of my new friends here, but I'm excited to be able to make new friends! 

Now to pack up the house in the next 3 weeks. O_O

I really do care…

You know how a lot of moms nowadays post monthly updates on their little ones on their perfectly and regularly kept blog? 

Yeah. Not me. 

You know how many moms can come up with countless activities to do with their kids at every age?

Me… not so much. 

You know how some moms are so put together, and never leave the house without hair combed and some makeup? 

Forget it. I'm lucky if my hair looks okay in day 3 of a braid. 

You know how some moms freak out when they're away from their kids for longer than fifteen minutes? 

I don't get to do this, but it sounds wonderful to be away from the house for longer than the 30 minutes to an hour it takes to go to the grocery store. And I probably wouldn't think about my daughter for the entire hour!! (Okay, maybe once, because I do love her!) 

You know how some moms plan out EVERYTHING? Naps at 8, 11, and 2, bed at 6:30, play date from 9-10:30, lunch at noon, and park from 3-4:30, etc. 

Waaaay not me. Pajamas till 11? sounds great! What do you want for dinner? Cereal? Okay! 

But you know what I do care about? 

Making sure she loves books. 

Swinging on the swing when we do go to a park. 

Looking at the plants in our yard (almost daily-even in the humidity). 

Going Mama Bear on any mosquitoes (and other creatures) that come near. 

Snuggling when she isn't feeling great. 

Talking and repeating sounds back. 

Getting her to giggle when I tickle her. 

Practicing walking. 

Kissing and cuddling away the boo boos. 

All I really care about is loving my little girl and raising her to the best of my ability, and loving my husband like the handsome stud he is. ;) 

They are my world, and all I truly, deeply care about. 

(And I also really like to sneak in art during nap times. ;) But that's just my hobby.)

That time I finally blogged about my baby shower...

So..... It's been almost a year! And I just uploaded the pictures to my computer today..... I'm such a slacker! Oops. Oh well! Here's some pictures of the fun day, and I'm so grateful to my mom and sister for hosting it!

That Time My Mom Came to Visit...

My mom was able to come visit March 15 - 21, and we had a blast!

I picked her up on Sunday from the airport. By myself. That's a big thing. I'm so nervous about new scenarios. It's ridiculous. So we came home and had a house tour before I had to go get Jason from work. So, little E got to be left with a "stranger" for 20 minutes. My mom said she didn't cry, but she did keep looking back to see who was holding her.

Monday, little E was still skeptical of Grandma, but a little friendlier, and by the end of the day was pretty warmed up. (She's only pretty much a miniature of me. haha) We went to Costco and hung out at the house.

Still not sure about this Grandma person.

I guess she's okay?

Three generations

Tuesday, we stayed home. We played games, did laundry, and mostly just chilled. I say mostly because we also rearranged the furniture in our living room and organized it so that the couches we bought could be put in their spots. :D

Elie is helping.

Clean floor! It used to be a storage space! :O

Wednesday we drove what felt like all over town. it ended with a trip to Krispy Kreme and then a drive by our church building (which still had a small pile of snow).

Dropping J off at work means I get to see pretty sunrises.

Thursday was Jason's first day off, so we went to lunch with our friend and realtor. I can't thank her enough for how kind she's been to us!

Friday our couches came, and it was really rainy. We did run out after the couches came to IKEA to see if they had any lamps. And they did. 2 floor lamps for 14 dollars, plus tax! It was amazing!

First day of spring, my eye! We got a little bit of snow.

Yay couches!!!

Yay couches with lights!

Saturday, we just kind of relaxed again. Jason did some yard work. My mom packed up. :( And then at  3, we dropped my mom off at the airport so she could fly back home.

Last little bit of time with Grandma.

It was a lot of fun, and I'm so glad little E got to re-meet her Grandma. (Now Grandma just needs to bring Grandpa out! ;D)

A mighty Change of Heart

We gave talks Sunday in Sacrament meeting. This was my talk.

Good Morning! My name is Courtney Lee. My husband, Jason, our daughter, Elinor, and I have been in the ward since the beginning of December. We come from Arizona, where the temperatures last month were in the 80’s and are in the 90's already. Last month, during the snow and cold I missed it, but not so much right now!

As introduction, Jason and I met just over five years ago at a Christmas concert. A mutual friend introduced us, and despite my awkwardness, he thought I was cute. His favorite part of the story is when, as he puts it, I denied him a hug. Within a few days he got my number and asked me out at the beginning of January. We have been together almost every day since. We married July 7, 2010, and added our daughter Elinor to our little family at the end of August last year. Jason is an engineer for Boeing, and I taught 2^nd grade for three years, but now I stay home and take care of Elinor.

We were assigned to speak on the topic “a mighty change of heart.” One of my favorite things to do when I prepare a talk or lesson is to look up what the words mean. These are the definitions I found.

Mighty is an adjective, which in our topic is describing our change. Mighty means “possessing great and impressive power or strength, especially on account of size”. The second definition I found said it means extremely.

Change, in this context, is a noun that means “the act or instance of making or becoming different.”

We all know that a heart is a body part. However, I found the second definition a little more applicable to our topic. Another meaning for heart is “the center or innermost part of something.”

So putting all of the information we just learned together, “a mighty change of heart” is an extreme act of making our innermost selves different.

But wait… I know I haven’t had one extreme event or thing happen to change my whole life and convert me instantly. And then I thought back to the first definition that I read for mighty. “Possessing great and impressive power or strength, ESPECIALLY ON ACCOUNT OF SIZE.” It’s taking into account small, but powerful things. So rewording the statement in even clearer terms, “a mighty change of heart” means that out of a small but powerful thing (like a seed or act of faith) comes us making our innermost selves different. That can happen in an instant, like those grand stories we read in the scriptures about people’s conversion, or it can be a gradual process that takes a lifetime.

We know the stories where people had the sudden change or big event that converted them. Moses, Alma the younger, the people who listened to King Benjamin, or Joseph Smith are all examples of that. I personally know that my story isn’t like that at all. I was born and raised in the church. I have never had what I would call a lightning bolt moment. None of my experiences I feel have been large enough to change me suddenly to align myself perfectly with Heavenly Father’s will for me.

At our last Relief Society activity, our conversion was one thing that we were asked to share in small groups. That night I recognized that I don’t have just one, or even a few really memorable conversion stories. Not one instant stands out in my mind as a time when I just knew I was not where I should be and wanted to change.

As I prepared for this talk, I used the gospel library to search for the phrase “a mighty change of heart.” This scripture caught my attention as I thought about my own conversion.

Helaman 15:7-8 says, “And behold, ye do know of yourselves, for ye have witnessed it, that as many of them as are brought to the knowledge of the truth, and to know of the wicked and abominable traditions of their fathers, and are led to believe the holy scriptures, yea, the prophecies of the holy prophets, which are written, which leadeth them to faith on the Lord, and unto repentance, which faith and repentance bringeth a change of heart unto them-“

“(8) Therefore, as many as have come to this, ye know of yourselves are firm and steadfast in the faith, and in the thing wherewith they have been made free.”

That scripture says nothing about the people (they are talking about the Lamanites) having large experiences like Alma. It says they are “brought to the knowledge of the truth” and that the scriptures and prophecies by the prophets have led “them to faith on the Lord, and unto repentance.” I don’t know about you, but it takes me a long time to read scriptures and the words of the prophets, especially so that I am able to understand what they and the Holy Ghost want me to learn.

What I have learned about is that whoever you are, it doesn’t matter exactly what experience you’ve had to get your conversion, it just matters that you are being converted to the Lord. Are we making our innermost part of ourselves different and better? Are we aligning our will with Heavenly Father’s? As the scriptures say, do we no longer desire to do evil?

In October 2014, Jean A. Stevens of the General Primary Presidency said just two sentences that really struck me concerning this mighty change. She said, “Each covenant is made one by one. Every mighty change of heart matters to the Lord.” We are accountable for ourselves to God, and every time we change to move closer to Him, he is pleased with us.

Doctrine and Covenants 18:10, 13, 15

“(10) Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;”

“(13) And how great is his joy in the soul that repenteth!”

“(15) And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!”

Yes, as I was taught in seminary, those scriptures tell us to do missionary work. By doing that, we will be very happy when we help bring souls to Christ. But before we can help others come to Christ, we must go to Him first. We have to be converted ourselves. Looking at those verses another way, we could also say that we work hard all of our lives to live the gospel. Could we say that we ourselves are that one soul that we bring to Christ? Could we be the one soul that we have great joy about in the Celestial Kingdom?

I’m not saying that we should only focus on ourselves. The Lord has stated that we are to be selfless. The scriptures clearly state in the next verse, 16, that if we’re happy with one soul, think how happy and joyful we’ll be when we bring many souls! But we have to be converted.

Somewhere in my past church education, someone told of two people climbing a mountain. There are parts when it gets difficult and they have to help each other. Think about it. Put yourself on that mountain. We can compare it to life. You’re going along with someone, perhaps a friend or a spouse, and something hard comes up. I’m not going to list examples because there are too many, but when you come to a hard part in climbing a mountain, the person who makes it to the next ledge first can better help the person behind them. It’s easier to pull someone up than try to push them above your own head. That’s a truth physically as well as spiritually. You can’t help someone get to Christ as well as you can unless you are already there, or on your way there.

Once we are converted, we can more easily help other people come to Christ. That mighty change of heart that we have, where we want to be better and choose to be better is our conversion. The scriptures are full of examples of both people who have grand conversion stories as well as those who have longer, more gradual conversions.

My own mighty change of heart is different from my husband’s and different from yours. My daughter’s conversion will be different from mine and different from her friends. It doesn’t matter how grand it appears outwardly. Some people see angels or hear God speak. Other people will just get quiet confirmation that they’re already doing what they’re supposed to be doing and to just keep enduring. It doesn’t matter whether your initial conversion happens in an instant or takes a lifetime. Conversion is a process, not an end result.

All the Lord wants and asks of us is to be converted to Him and his gospel.

TESTIMONY, Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Shoveling the walk…

Growing up, we had one Mothers Day where we gave my mom some magnets. They had cute little sayings on them specifically for moms. The one that we all liked was this saying. I don't have a picture of the magnet, though.

I used to think about it as meaning that you should just wait until the kids are grown to get everything clean, because there was no point while messes were still being made. 

After our last snow storm, I realized just how wrong that thinking was. 

I'm from Arizona. I have never had to shovel snow off of a sidewalk until this year. Personally, I found it kind of fun and exciting! Something new to do! But I never fully understood the shoveling a sidewalk part, either, until now. 

During the storm, I went out twice to shovel the walk since we were predicted to receive 5-8" of accumulated snow and I was told it is easier to do it in pieces. The first time I went out, there was maybe 2 - 3 inches of snow. The second time, there was 3 - 4 inches! It was almost twice as much work, and I got tired much sooner, even though there was only about an inch difference!

Actually shoveling the walk changed how I thought about the magnet and quote from years before. Yes, you can wait to clean up until after the mess makers... I mean children... are gone, or you can stay on top of it and not feel like you're floundering under a giant mess at the end. You're more likely to give up or not do it if you wait and keep putting it off. Once you put something off, you always put it off! (Personal experience here.)

So, don't put things off! I'm not saying go obsessively clean something. Unless you're into that. Then by all means... want to come visit me? ;) I guess in life, we just need to not put anything off when we know it needs to be done. We'll feel so much better if we get it off our plate!

I guess that means I need to go clean up now! (Or I'll just snuggle my little future mess maker, since she's too immobile to make messes yet!)